Jesus, take the wheel.

Updates on my life so far:

1. I miss NCC, I really do. It was the only period of time where i was supposedly somewhat happy. My results were fantastic, and i was always positive about things in life. Jesus made me feel …

whole.

Singing to those hymns every sunday touches my heart and fills it with Jesus’s love and presence. I’ve never felt more loved.

And i believed that through him, I could literally get through anything.

But sadly, I left them anyway. and it was all me, me, me. (aka My fault). For some reason, I just couldnt get along with the people there. They were so so so sos soSO SO different, i couldnt keep up with them. It was so tiring to be enthusiastic and outgoing all the time, and even more tiring trying to talk to them about the things I had no interest in. Getting to know them was difficult, thus opening up to them was ten times harder.. Though they tried so hard in making me feel welcomed, I just couldn’t bring myself to open up to them, i dont know why. Sigh.

I had this friend, and her name was Nicole. too. I found out that she was just like me, somehow didn’t have a family full of Christians and had to attend church solely based on her own will. We talked, and found out that we have somewhat similar interests as well. (At that time, clubbing…) Lame i know, we talked about it but couldnt go for it… lmao

But still, it brought us closer. We would sort of talk constantly, and i almost opened up to her… Almost. and what she did always affected me. For example, when she attends church, I will too. When she doesnt, i wont too. There was this period of time, where felt really close to Jesus, and decided that i should probably try ‘water baptism’. Just for the fun of it, to signify my love for him. I asked her if we should do it together, but she laughed and rejected me. (Sort of) She just made it seem ‘lame’. Honestly, i was quite affected.. I didnt always see myself as a ‘lame’ person in front of people I didnt know and felt somewhat offended. Trying to prove her wrong, I started to attend church lesser every since. And i deeply,

regret.

Why was i so stupid to listen to her or be affected by her???? Did i also mention that she never stopped going to church? Not like i wanted her to not go but why did she deem baptism as ‘lame’ if she loved Jesus? (Assuming she does since she always goes to church.)

Well maybe i got it wrong from the start, and that was never her intention to deem it as ‘lame’. However, It did take a toll on me and i regretted my decision ever since.

2. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Recently, my ‘squad’ has been falling apart, sitting on the edge of glory.

We just became so segregated, and the degree of separation increased tremendously. We were all unhappy and we all felt it. However nobody wanted to get up and bring everybody together because we were either too scared, or we just didn’t have the moral courage to do so.

So i turned to the Lord.

I prayed everyday, hard. I prayed with a thankful heart and told him that I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to bring us closer, like before.

Soon after, friend A and i (my pair in ‘segregation’) quarreled real bad, and didn’t talk to each other for a few days. Of course, we had to then turn to other people in our squad, and that’s how we reunited. That’s how the lord brought all of together, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Although i found out that after friend A and i made up we weren’t as close as before, and she wouldn’t tell me everything anymore. It does hurt, but what more could i ask for, when i treated her the way I did? I deserved it.

3. Shawn left, for good.

I really really didnt see this day coming. He always meant so much to me i never knew i could let go of him so easily. But things really took the wrong turn and it got really ugly. At that point, i knew we could no longer go on any further. That was it.

A few weeks after our separation, I’d admit that i deeply missed him. I always just wanted to cuddle in bed like we used to, and pour myself into his embrace.

Through my lonely night walks, i started to question myself if i was really in love with him, or just the…

idea of it?

I was truly in self denial, and was drowned by the fact that i truly did love him. But i really wanted to find out the truth to the question as well. Thus, i never stopped asking my self the same question: am i in love with him? or the idea of it?

True enough, i completely stopped thinking about him after that night.

Still, it didnt stop my desire to be hugged and drowned in an embrace of a male.

I longed for my desire to be with my prince charming. and hoped that i could tell the whole world he was mine. But as time went by, i realised im not the only one who has this idea. I’m absolutely positive that all my friends have the same idea too. and it did put me off, thinking that i should just stick to finding my prince charming.

Not society’s prince charming, my prince charming.

For all you know, society’s prince charming may be a dick, and cheat on you or other whatnots.

What i meant by my prince charming was someone who would dote on me, spoil me with his love, smart, and somewhat attractive, you know? Well, he doesnt have to be supermodel attractive, but at least nice skin, a pair of eyes, nice nose and kissable lips, right?

I’m pretty sure that isnt hard to find at all. He doesn’t have to be necessarily tall, or dark, but perfect the way he comes in.

positive positive that theres someone in this category. POSITIVE!!!

5. Why you gotta be so shady?

My dad, recently got injured, and had some mobility issues. When i saw him in pain, my heart hurt and all i wanted to do was to help him. But he was so so freaking shady about his injury, and when i tried to help him, it was as if he didn’t like it and i felt him pushing me away…… like

‘wtf..’ i whispered.

I hated when he thinks like im useless, and all i do is sit there and suck all his money right out of him… what the f…… when i try to help you, you push me away. and when i dont, you think im useless. I really dont know what you want and i cant help but just give up and not care anymore. Because caring and being pushed away is NOT a nice feeling.

men, are the real creatures that are hard to please. really.

when you tell me ‘oh, you’re not even earning money and all you do is spend.’ well ok, that hurts. then why not u just freaking stop giving me money? Stop taking care of me then?

You never fail to make myself feel like a burden, seriously.

Jesus, take the wheel.