Update

I realized how much time I’ve wasted, finally. I finally woke up and I finally no longer feel empty.

In the past, I used to find everything and anything to fill me up. Be it my ex or cigarettes. Even then, I’d still feel so so shitty, empty and lonely. More lonely and empty than I’ve ever felt, and I dont think I can ever forget how that feels like. This happened for a good few months. Everyday, I’d never fail to feel this shitty. But still, I’d never let go of the hope that someone new might come into my life. Someone who would really change everything..

Thus, I’d pray everyday for that someone to come. It could be anyone, a guy or a girl, it didn’t matter. I dont know what drew me back to church, honestly. Maybe it was Jesus’s presence that was so alive that warmed my heart, that filled me with sufficient love. An indescribable feeling of love. And somehow, I knew exactly that was the love I needed. I needed His love, so I can understand Him, and understand why He loves me, and finally understand myself. In the end, learn to love myself too.  No matter what, I have to learn to love myself before I can love anyone else. I used to be so hooked up and engrossed in finding someone to love. But as guessed, I didn’t find anyone. Because I knew that I must learn to accept this loneliness that I feel everyday, and learn to be okay with it. That’s when I know I’ll really love the man for who he is.

In the process of attending church, and learning to be close with Jesus, I learnt so so many things about myself. Things I never knew I possessed. Both good, and bad. Good – in a sense where I can actually make friends. Friends of different background and socio-economic levels. (Where I put aside all biasness and judgmental comments in my head.) Even though I’m still learning. and Bad – where I tend to get really impatient with things and expect almost everything to be done in a second or less than that. I find that possessing this attitude can really ruin me. And can make me really angry/ nasty/ unkind to a whole new level. And of course, I’d rather not. Thus, I pray everyday, that this bad habit of mine can slowly dissipate.

I pray to be patient, kind and loving. And I know that these are the things in life which will bring you higher than anything else, I believe. These are such powerful qualities to possess. And with these, I can finally be happy. I no longer will posses jealousy in me, and thats the most important thing in life. – to be content with what I have.

In conclusion, I can never regret going back to church, and it has got to be my best decision I’d ever make in my life.

Update

empty as fuck.

i dont know, tell me. is it my period or a period in my life where i just hit rock bottom?

how does one live without friends? without company??????? im fucking sick of it, every week i just stay at home alone wanting to go out and spend time w people.

I once had everything. I once had so many people to go out with i felt so loved. and since i lost all of them one by one, my life has just literally hit rock bottom.

Inside me is empty, empty and empty. I use cigarettes to fill myself but how’s that working out? I feel filled, but its all just transparent. and in the end, im left fucking alone again.

You know i reached a point in my life where I feel so empty and so in need of love that i desperately always hope that you know i could meet new friends somewhere along the way home, and things can start from there. I use school to find friends, and that’s just only 3. 3 of which 1 I consider my “best-friend”. but in the end? I still feel fucking insignificant in this society, this world. Constantly people have things to do except me. Where do i find the rest of the human population? The other friends who are true, who will treat me as their significant?

I know i shouldnt have that stupid mindset and make the best of who i have. but….. you think i havent tried?
when is my real real best friend coming?
when can that person be there for me no matter what, when?

empty as fuck.

mess

every night, without fail, i’d feel like a fucking mess.

i guess as teenagers, we’re all constantly looking for something/ somebody to feed on for inspiration, in hope of finding our place in this society.

However, it gets annoying, on my nerves when this gets overboard. Yeah, i get it, when everyone had instagram, of course you had to have it too. and when everyone had a private instagram account, you too, had to have it.

and i also get that the private instagram account is a platform where you can truly express your thoughts and feelings. But, why do i feel like im in a virtual constant competition to make my private instagram look good? Like personally, i dont care what i post, since its a ‘private’. But you seem like you put in so much effort into making your instagram look good and somehow i get the message from you: ‘hah, my insta feed is so much better than yours, loser.’

………………….. ………………………….. …………. . .. . . . . . . . . .

Every, fucking, time you post something, thats the message i get from you. Is it because you’re constantly thinking so, thats why i think this way too?

whatever it is – im really so sick of your bullshit i dont know what to do.

what can i do?

mess

how can we not talk about family when family’s all we got?

my friday nights consists of a broken heart, listening to sad chinese love songs because im a loser and a loner………….. ………….

studying the whole day just made me fucking annoyed and tired i dont even want to do this anymore.  i miss being happy, i miss feeling alright.

boxing class last night fucked me up emotionally and physically. I’ve grown so emotionally attached to that place, I never want to leave. It was always my secret hideout/ getaway. People there didn’t know me at home, school, or even during weekends. I wouldn’t say i could entirely be myself, but i can say that people there really made me feel wanted, included.

It felt like a real team, where we had each other’s back, literally and spiritually. So so many team inclined activities we had to do, which successfully developed a greater bond between all of us.

The thought of leaving there makes me sad, makes me heartbroken. Because it almost made me feel like they were always there for me when i needed someone, and something i could do to literally vent my stress and anger out.

Speaking about being always there for me, those sad chinese songs never fail to make me think of my ex, and how he was also always here for me when i needed him, even after we broke up, even after all the bullshit i put him through.

Deeply reminiscing our relationship, those memories with him I never knew existed only until when i thought about it carefully and accurately, came to me like a wave. It was so overwhelming – those times where I could be myself – 100 and laugh and love him unconditionally.

I cry at those thoughts where I could laugh with him, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart full of love.

And it made me wonder, did i not cherish those memories enough?

how can we not talk about family when family’s all we got?

note to self

whenever you’re feeling down, go running, hit the gym.

trust me. no matter how tired or how much u dread running.

go in with a positive mindset, constantly remember the fats you’re loosing, and i promise you, you’ll feel so good after. Take a cold shower, turn on the air conditioner, and listen to your favorite beats. You’ll know what i mean.

I’ve never felt more fresh, more free.

note to self