I realized how much time I’ve wasted, finally. I finally woke up and I finally no longer feel empty.
In the past, I used to find everything and anything to fill me up. Be it my ex or cigarettes. Even then, I’d still feel so so shitty, empty and lonely. More lonely and empty than I’ve ever felt, and I dont think I can ever forget how that feels like. This happened for a good few months. Everyday, I’d never fail to feel this shitty. But still, I’d never let go of the hope that someone new might come into my life. Someone who would really change everything..
Thus, I’d pray everyday for that someone to come. It could be anyone, a guy or a girl, it didn’t matter. I dont know what drew me back to church, honestly. Maybe it was Jesus’s presence that was so alive that warmed my heart, that filled me with sufficient love. An indescribable feeling of love. And somehow, I knew exactly that was the love I needed. I needed His love, so I can understand Him, and understand why He loves me, and finally understand myself. In the end, learn to love myself too. No matter what, I have to learn to love myself before I can love anyone else. I used to be so hooked up and engrossed in finding someone to love. But as guessed, I didn’t find anyone. Because I knew that I must learn to accept this loneliness that I feel everyday, and learn to be okay with it. That’s when I know I’ll really love the man for who he is.
In the process of attending church, and learning to be close with Jesus, I learnt so so many things about myself. Things I never knew I possessed. Both good, and bad. Good – in a sense where I can actually make friends. Friends of different background and socio-economic levels. (Where I put aside all biasness and judgmental comments in my head.) Even though I’m still learning. and Bad – where I tend to get really impatient with things and expect almost everything to be done in a second or less than that. I find that possessing this attitude can really ruin me. And can make me really angry/ nasty/ unkind to a whole new level. And of course, I’d rather not. Thus, I pray everyday, that this bad habit of mine can slowly dissipate.
I pray to be patient, kind and loving. And I know that these are the things in life which will bring you higher than anything else, I believe. These are such powerful qualities to possess. And with these, I can finally be happy. I no longer will posses jealousy in me, and thats the most important thing in life. – to be content with what I have.
In conclusion, I can never regret going back to church, and it has got to be my best decision I’d ever make in my life.